There was hail and pouring rain is still coming down, I wanted to be driving but I'm going to wait a while now. I have someone special to meet, she was born eight days ago. Celina Marie DeWandeler, my first grand niece. Her big brother has been a joy in my life and i imagine she will be one too.

I'm a sad person though today, I want something I just can't have right now. Maybe I won't have too long to wait but chances are that it is going to take time. I should just get on with my life and love it the way it is but  there is something sad about someone like me being alone. I have so much to give someone warmth , understanding , passion. I have the stuff of a good life in plenty, but when there is no one to accept it what good is it?

So i'm waiting and not so patiently any more. If you are the one I'm supposed to be with I wish you would come to me. I'm really ready to know you .

If I don't have to drive in it or walk in it or shovel it I like it just fine, but since I have to do all that I kinda wish we didn't have so much already. The first little snowfall of the season cost me my pick up. I rolled it and the insurance company totaled it, no surprise there, the snow melted that day and by the evening I was driving again. I can't take the time to fall apart just because I was hanging upside down in my seat belt for a few seconds.  The money from the insurance went to Jon and he won't be able to do anything with it but give it towards his loan, I'm with out recourse there, just shit outta luck. He was supposed to make the payments and I was supposed to end up with the truck but that isn't gong to happen now,  I'm getting scared that I will have to make changes in my life that I really don't want to make,  but something has to give,  My Dad went out and bought a PT Cruiser for me to pay him for but I don't know how I'm going to do that, I haven't even been able to keep current with the house payments let alone the dental work bills. I guess I need to find some things I can give up or get cheaper, like my phone.  I'm kind of at the very bottom of the barrel as far as most of my expenses go, maybe I can make small savings here and there but really I'm not being that extravagant, Some how something will happen, I hear the Lord never gives us more trouble than we can handle, I think I've been handling trouble enough for a lot longer than I want to.

Story of my life but it makes my time off seem longer and more mine. I don't hate my job but it isn't as fun as I wish my job could be. I'm not sure it could ever be seen as fun actually, too much noise, too smelly, too hot or cold. You could say I am slacking I guess since the job doesn't really require much of my talents, but I don't know what my talents are really anyway. Maybe someday I will find a better job but in the meantime I am happy to have this job and be able to live near my family.

back again, Ths seems a nice place to be, kinda quiet and calm. I wonder how long it will be before something happens here to make this place as real as real gets. It has happened before. my first few months into the Harper/Collins sponsored Terry Pratchettbooks message board were just a lull in a storm that eventually brought friends nearly to blows and tore the community in two, or more. Some people felt the core community was worth transplanting to a new place and when that happened someone else set out to make the move as precipitous and irreversible as possible, I hear there are new moderators there now and people are finding it to be a fun place to go to but I went to the new place. I stayed with the people who loved the people enough to want to make them happy, and they have been wonderful to me. I can safely say that the care they showed me has meant the difference  between being alone and being lonely on many days. I can handle being alone but being lonely is as hard for me as for anyone, maybe harder, because I'm so bad at reaching out to others and do it so seldom that when I do it goes unnoticed. My blogs over on myspace seem to be attraching some attention. But I don't know who most of the readers are, so far only a handful have admitted they read the stuff. and of them even fewer actually offer feedback. Oh well at least they don't disagree strongly enough to actually call me names to my face, I will take that as a good thing

  Well here I am someplace new on the internet,  I do get around these days. Funny as I have only spent like two weeks total this year outside of my home territory ( I include my folks place in that it is less then 25 miles away) But this is the year I graduated from a lone message board to Myspace, etc. I have met lovers and friends and along the way had a very successful divorce, so nice, since the marriage sucked for the most part. He even said he and the new mrs wanted to ask me over for dinner yesterday, I was glad I was sick. I don't want to make him think that I hate him for taking those years from me because really I took the same years from him, but I think we would be much better off to just keep our lives seperated as much as possible. Why make it easy to hurt each other? I am not ready to see him happy with her.  I may never be and since I don't have kids to put up a good face for, I don't know that I should have to.

Current Location: home sweet trailerhouse
Current Mood: contemplative